Becoming a good person, a gentle one I got the title "Jerk", at some cases "Jackass"

Nearly 5 years ago I was a completely different person from the type of person I am now. I was that much of rough as much I am gentle now. I was, you know, a bad, hot temper, rude, trouble maker, ……I don’t know much English, that’s why failing to choose the correct words to describe how I was, but I hope you can understand.

But I left that dark path on 29th October 2006 and never did such kind of bad things from then. I changed completely to someone, completely different.

8     Now I don’t look at someone with ugly face shape and angry eyes.
8     Now I don’t always seem to other person that I am disturbed by Him/Her. I listen to people quietly and with patient even if they are saying anything nonsense.
8     I always keep the smile on my face which I have lost years ago.
8     I stay calm and quite while walking on the street with gentleness.
8     I call the ricksaw-puller (a kind vehicle ran by human) with respect.
8     When at tea-stall (Small open shops by the side of roads which sells tea) I don’t shout for tea, rather I gently ask for tea and wait with patient for the shopkeeper to provide tea.
8     My health has also recovered.
8     My skin became smooth again.
8     When I get in front of any elder person, I don’t forget to say Adab (It’s a traditional behavior to show respect to elder and honorable people).
8   If I get into a situation where bad things can happen, I try to compromise and avoid the bad situation.
8     If someone misbehaves with me, I myself say sorry to Him.
8     When at a bank to draw or store money, I stay on the line with patient.
8     When at train station or bus terminal for buying tickets, I never break the line.

But what I have got after all these, after all these changes to my life?
8     If I maintain the serial at bank or at stations, people say “Are you fool? It’s a war, fight to get the ticket first. Don’t stand like a fool.”
8     If at any office they keep sited. But If there was anyone shouting for his job to be done, he gets his job done in a minute
8     If at a shop, I wait for the customers to finish their shopping who came before me. But when I am waiting other people get to front pushing me away, I cant shout like them and that’s what keeps at shops for hours.
8     As I respect the ricksaw-puller they asks for more fairs (charge for transportation) than usual, as they think I am not from the city and also that I am fool.
8     If I get a little impact with another person on the road while walking that person leaves with grumbling a lots of words.

Sometimes I think, it was Better when I was Bitter.

I know that I was not good. If I haven’t changed, I would have been finished by now. I made a lot of mistakes in my life. Now, I have decided that I deserve these. I brought harms to other people too. I think these are the returns I am getting in back.

There is a religious story. Once there lived an angry snack by the side of a road. This road connects the village with the nearby market. The snack used to frighten the pedestrians and also sometimes bites them. The villagers at last left that road. One day Narod Muni met the snack and made him understood that whatever he is doing is wrong and he should not bring harm to people. The snack changed his life and become quite. As times goes by the villagers noticed that the snack has changed and they again started using that road. Soon the villagers started throwing rocks to the snack as the snack also injured a lot of people, some of them also try to hit the snack with bamboos. The snack did nothing and was counting time to die and was just praying to the God. Narod Muni came again and said, Oh no ! what happened to you? The snack described everything. Listening all these Narod Muni laugh and said, well, I told you not to harm people but did not mean that you will not protest when someone is trying to hurt you, you have the power to make people frightened and keep them away from you. I told you not harm people until they harm you. Then Narod Muni blessed the snack with Holy Water and the snack become well again. From then the snack become angry again, but not crossing the limit. I mean he started showing his anger only when someone come to hurt him, otherwise not.

My belief in God is a little different than of the usual believers of my religion, will discuss that later. No one can describe what God do and why S/He do so. But I believe that everything happens for good reason. May be that day, the snack was freed as he suffered or got punishments for everything he did, may be it was like a new born for that snack. May be my punishment is not yet over, I must have to suffer. I don’t know.

From that day 29th October 2006, I changed myself, changes very fast to someone new, even I cant understand sometimes. I was frightened, I was in pain, I was died inside me. This is not me. That does not mean, I am that brutal Tanmay. I am also a normal guy. But I stay afraid. What if I slip while trying to become normal. That’s why I have decided, I will stay calm and quite, will wait for God to decide if everything is over, if so, then I will become normal again.

If I keep writing these for years, these wont change. I have lost my power, somehow, the power that every normal person has.

I am still in confusion about writing about me and my past. Actually, those are not harmful, but I stay afraid of that, after listening those will my today’s friends go away?

However, there are lot more to tell. I wrote the post in Bangla first at my Bangla Blog, then I thought to translate it. But you know, the words can be translated easily but translating the Main Theme or The Inner Thoughts of the Article is far more difficult. However, I will keep trying.



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